Member-only story
A letter to my younger self
Laura,
You tried to toughen me up. I know you really tried. But you mistook resilience for being distant.
Remember how I always complained that I was lonely? How I couldn’t make or keep friends? How everyone left me eventually? You did that to me. You sabotaged everything because it meant you could hurt me before anyone else got the chance.
You never let me eat even though I was hungry. “Just exercise until you feel sick. Then you’ll have something other than hunger to feel” you would say. So I did. You said if I made myself smaller there would be less of me to hurt. But people still hurt me.
I tried to toughen up. I did everything you suggested. I held in my tears even though it hurt my throat to suppress my sobs. I kept things to myself rather than asking for help because you said it was a weakness. I would ignore impulses to display affection because you said it would make me too soft. I perfected the lie “I’m fine” and they all believed me.
I can’t forgive you because I have worked hard for this anger. This burning sense of injustice is because I now realise you lied to me. I’m not any of the names you called me. I deserve this anger. I deserve to feel this passionately about myself.
